George: Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
TV Kramer: How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?

Calvin Klein: (about Jerry) I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.

Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you've pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he's gonna be a hitman. "Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."

Jerry

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

Jerry: (to George) You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: I give up! I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Good luck on the pilot Jerry...(smiles)

'Crazy' Joe

Jerry: We'll give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah. You're a woman. Men won't hit a woman.
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you.

This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped.

Salesman

Jerry: How about this: You put your car in the good spot. That'll hold the good spot in front of the good building and we can get the good car!
George: Good thinking.
Jerry: (shaking George's hand) Good to meet you.

George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrent?
George: What if there's a fire?
Kramer: Now what are the chances of that?

I love the name 'isosceles'. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

Kramer
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 941 in total

Seinfeld Quotes

Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

(to George) I don't know what your parents did to you.

Elaine
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