Mary: Archie, yesterday was without a doubt the strangest Thanksgiving I have ever had. I mean, I pointed a gun at a woman!
Archie: Welcome to Riverdale, Mom.

Jughead: That’s strike three, nowhere is going to be delivering through this ice storm. How about I just raid the vending machine?
Betty: Yes, I can finally live out my Charlie Brown fantasy of having junk food for Thanksgiving dinner. Yes! [Smacks bed!] Okay, I will have Stonewall’s finest chocolate chip cookies, chips, soda, and candies, please.
[Jughead slides off the bed]
Betty: Get yourself something too!

Cheryl: We Blossoms have always been highly carnivorous. I mean, I ate my brother Julian in the womb. And, you’re eating those meat pies we prepared especially for you.
[Fester crunches and hits something]
Cousin Fester: Oh, my tooth. What on earth?
[Fester pulls a ring from his mouth]
Aunt Cricket: What?
Cousin Fester: Is this Uncle Bedford’s ring?!
Aunt Cricket: What does this mean?
Cheryl: It means, Aunt Cricket, that you’re welcome to search the house. It means that Uncle Bedford will never be found. It means that any evidence of him ever being here is in the process of being … digested. In other words, I think you know what it means.

FP: I can’t live my life doing Hiram’s bidding, Alice. I’m not cut out for it. There’s too much blood on the tracks.
Alice: I hear you.
FP: I am a Serpent, Alice. I am a Serpent! Every bone in my body is a Serpent.
Alice: Okay, is there a rule that says you can’t be both?
FP: That’s not bad. If Hiram can be mayor and a kingpin, who says that I can’t be sheriff and a gang leader?
[He kisses her]

Cheryl: What … what are you all doing here?
Penelope: Julian needs a body, Cheryl. So, we’re giving him yours!
[Cheryl screams]

Chic: Hi, how did it all go?
Charles: Smooth as cream, babe. FP led me right to where he buried the body. He moved what was left and everyone was appropriately grateful.
Chic: Even Betty?
Charles: Even Betty.
Chic: That’s great.
[Both place their hands on the prison glass]
Chic: I love you, babe.
Charles: I love you too.

Archie: What do you want? You want to fight me?
Dodger: Sure … but don’t you need to put your mask on first?
Archie: What are you talking about?
[Archie hesitates. Dodger turns to his crew]
Dodger: See, I told you! I told he’s that guy in the mask, the one making trouble for all of us. Aren’t you?
Archie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dodger: I think you do. I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Hiram: I want to come home.
Hermione: You don’t live here anymore. Just … stop. Veronica and I are finally free of you.
Hiram: Is that what freedom looks like? Playing hostess at a teenager’s gin joint.
[Hiram takes off his shirt]
Hiram: Let me back in. You won’t have to work another day ever again. You’ll be my wife again.
Hermione: Over my dead body.
Hiram: That can be arranged.
[Hermione slaps Hiram]
Hiram: Was that foreplay or punishment?

Mr. Dupont: Mr. Chipping and I have conferred and decided on the theme for the Baxter Brothers writing competition. Who’s interested?
[Everyone’s hands raise except Jughead]
Mr. Chipping: Jughead?
Jughead: Oh no, I’m in … and I’m winning. And please, Mr. Chipping, from here on out, you can call me Forsythe the 3rd. It’s after my grandfather.
Mr. Dupont: Wonderful, then you and your classmates will be challenged to devise the perfect murder. That’s your theme. Let the bloodbath begin.

Archie: Consider this a declaration of war. Leave town or the next time we meet, you won’t be driving away, you won’t even be walking. That’s a promise.
[Dodger turns around to grab a gun and Archie disappears]
Dodger: I’m not going anywhere. You’re a dead man, you hear me? You’re a dead man!

Kevin: So, we’re not bailing on your hot brother’s FBI class? I thought based on what happened to Caramel…
Betty: That was before I got privileged information that made me realized we don’t actually know anything about Charles. Forget “Is Charles is gay or straight?” I’m interested in: “Is if he’s a serial killer or not?”

Donna: Enjoying yourself, Jones?
Jughead: So, this is what one percenters do for fun? Play Murder. Oh, by the way…
[Jughead winks]
Donna: Wicked, Jones.
Jughead: I should…
Donna: Yea, go on then. Let me die in peace.
[Donna faints dramatically]

Riverdale Quotes

Mrs. Burble: Ms. Smith, Betty’s education, her relationship, her behavior, I think those thinks make you afraid. Afraid that Betty is growing; that may even be why you gave away her college money. Because if you can control her, you can hold onto her childhood just a little bit longer. Does that sound about right?
Alice: It’s just I’ve already lost two children. First Charles, then Polly, and now Betty. Growing up, leaving for college, moving out, moving on … it just feels like I’m losing you too.
Betty: Mom, that’s what happens. Kids grow up and they leave; I can’t be your only hope.
Alice: But I love you.
Betty: I love you too, but that’s not an apology. That does not justify the horrible, unhealthy things that you have done. How you keep suffocating me. And why me? Why are you doing these things to me?
Alice: Because I love you.
Betty: But you love Polly too! She’s in an asylum. She needs you; she needs your help. So, why can’t you do this to her?
Alice: Because I love you more! I love you most!
[Alice is shocked and runs away from the therapy session]

Kevin: Okay, Veronica, I’m obsessed with everything that just happened.
Veronica: Thank you! It helps to be off-book and in full costume.
Betty: Don’t be so modest, you are the literally embodiment of Chris. Never has a role been perfectly typecast.
Archie: Betty!
Veronica: What was that, Betty?
Betty: I mean think about it: Spoiled rich girl, check. Major daddy issues, check. Bad to the bone, trying to control everyone around her, including her boyfriend and best friend. Check, check, check.