Cheryl: What about you and Archie canoodling?
Betty: That was just pretend.
Cheryl: I don’t know, cousin, that looked pretty real to me.
Betty: Well, yeah, that was the point.
Cheryl: Right. All I’m saying is your secret is safe with me.
Betty: The sequence holds true for every ghostwriter who proceeded them. It’s actually incredibly simple.
Jughead: Which brings us to a couple of months ago when I was awarded the contract. Why? To put a target on my back. Probably because I was already circling the truth, so he gave you guys a new challenge: to commit the perfect murder against me and be awarded the contract.
Betty: So, the million-dollar question is, “Who was going to kill Jughead and how?”
Mr. DuPont: Well, Mr. Jones…
Jughead: Shut up!
[The room silences]
Jughead: Mr. DuPont, as they say in Lord of the Flies, “I have the conch.”
Jughead: What, did you miss me?
Bret: You’ve got to be kidding me?!
Mr. DuPont: Mr. Jones, we all thought you were…
Jughead: That I was dead?! Yeah, for a minute there I thought I was too.
Jughead: Hey, what’s that often-used Mark Twain quote? “Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
Joan: What is happening right now?
Betty: It is called getting your comeuppance, Joan.
Donna: You must really miss your brother? When was the last time you saw him? He isn’t really dead, is he?!
[Betty comes rushing over]
Betty: Donna, are you serious?! This is Jughead’s little sister and you’re accosting her!
Donna: Oh, come on, Betty. You and I both know this is all an act.
Betty: B****, I’m done with you. Let’s go.
Veronica: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the girl who cried, “Papi.”
Hermosa: I did a little digging like you asked me to.
Hermosa: You are lucky I am such a good P.I. because you’ll never believe what I found out.
Donna: In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the brains of this operation. We still have a job to finish and a meddlesome girlfriend to pin this on.
Donna: And if you ever undermine me again, you will go the way of Jonathan, may he rest in peace. And that’s a fact.
Alice: Though, I understand you made quite the public spectacle over the Archie and Betty romance?
Veronica: Hmmm, I think you mean I gave an amazing performance?
Alice: But weren’t you afraid that something might actually spark between them?
Veronica: I trust Archie, and I trust Betty. To be honest, the thought never crossed my mind.
Betty: Go to hell, Evelyn
Evelyn: Oh, I’m already in hell, Betty. This is hell. And soon you’re going to be here too because they’re saving a cell for you on Murderer’s Row, down the hall from Old Sparky where they keep all the killer.
Hiram: I didn’t want the pity. I didn’t want you to see me as weak. Ever.
Veronica: Daddy, all I want is to be a source of strength for you. I love you. And, we’re going to fight our way through this. Together.
Betty: You drugged me, Donna You put a bloody rock in my hand, but it was you or one of your demented chums that killed my boyfriend.
Donna: Fascinating theory, but here is what I think you did. Rather than try to explore to the authorities what you were doing with a bloody rock standing over Jughead’s corpse, you hid or got rid of the body. Archie and Veronica helped you, am I right? No need to answer me, I know that’s what happened, just like how I know Jughead’s body will never be found.
Betty: Yeah, why’s that?
Donna: Because if it was, all of the forensic evidence would lead to you, Betty. The crazy girlfriend with the history of mental illness. The perfect murder! No body, no crime.
I’m sorry, Donna, but I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho b****! Not Joan, not Jonathan, not even Brett. Just you.Betty