Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people: they love Matchbox 20, and they are terrified of curses.

The statement that this reporter has is a question.

Perd Hapley

We all just behave rationally and believe we're in control of our own destinies. Come on!


One time when I was in high school a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.


Women's razors work better. For whatever reason men's razor technology hasn't figured out a way to properly contour the shin bone.


Leslie: Chris is cheating on Ann. There's evidence everywhere. She's coming up here so they can have it out.
Ron: Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.

When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.


If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see Indiana's second-largest rocking chair.


Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. But if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.


I want to treat April like a queen. And queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub them on stuff.


So, what do you want to do tonight? We could watch TV at Burley's house, or we could watch TV at your house. Or, I mean we could watch TV at Best Buy.


I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." Come on, Doug, who cares?


Parks and Recreation Season 3 Quotes

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.


Zerts are what I call deserts, tray trays are what I call entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blaterz with a "z" ... I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies, I call noodles long ass rice, fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick, chicken parmesan is chicky chicky parm parm, chicken caciatore is chicky catch, I call eggs pre-birds or future birds, root beer is super water, tortillas are bean blankets, and I call forks... food rakes!