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Ann: Hey, Ron. Did we make out last night?
Ron: Good god, woman. No.

Leslie: What was that song you played at the swearing in ceremony?
Ben: "Whoop, There It Is."
Leslie: Yes. God, I was so jealous of you.

When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town and won. Little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18 year olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground and after two months got impeached. Worst part was my parents grounded me.


The problem is I only have 15 penises, so, there would have been 28 girls who are really upset with me.


Ten cosmos. Eight Smirnoff Ices. And everything else starts with the word pomegranate. Aw, was it your bachelorette party?


Don't keep him too long. I need someone to be here when I take a multivitamin. It's a choking hazard.


Leslie: I'm here to speak to Ben, actually.
Chris: Great, I'm going to listen to some ocean sounds and do some pull-ups.

Scientists believe that the first human being to live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.


Leslie: Wow, you have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh yeah, would you like a vitamin? B12? Evening Primrose Oil? Willa Bar? Magnesium?
Leslie: No thank you.
Chris: Sure? They're good for hangovers.
Leslie: OK, I'll take one.

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