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Parks-and-recreation

Jerry: Anyway, hunting and fishing season is winding down, OK? And we all know that it is already closed season on twout. So now-I said twout instead of trout.
Donna: It happens to everyone.
Jerry: My marbles are full of mouth today.

Tom: You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana?
Jerry: My wife and I have a timeshare.
Tom: In Muncie?!
Leslie: Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

I always had fun with Andy. The problem is when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, and his maid, and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooo, baby in a straightjacket, that's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Ann

Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

Ron

Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April: Oh sorry guys, sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed 'cause I'm Jerry.

April: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
Leslie: No, that's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD; his drummer shot him.
April: Oh.

Scientifically hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean they're so small, they have tiny beaks and they only eat sugar water. I mean what beats that? Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah, they do. Baby monkeys in diapers are cutest.

Leslie

When I retire, and I'm attending some gala honoring the first three female presidents in history, myself and two other women I have inspired, I want to be looking back at my distinguished legacy and not thinking that I owe my career to some possum. And I want to be wearing a huge beautiful blue hat!

Leslie
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