Parks and Recreation

Thursdays 8:30 PM on NBC
Parks and recreation
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Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

Ron

Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April: Oh sorry guys, sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed 'cause I'm Jerry.

April: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
Leslie: No, that's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD; his drummer shot him.
April: Oh.

Scientifically hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean they're so small, they have tiny beaks and they only eat sugar water. I mean what beats that? Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah, they do. Baby monkeys in diapers are cutest.

Leslie

When I retire, and I'm attending some gala honoring the first three female presidents in history, myself and two other women I have inspired, I want to be looking back at my distinguished legacy and not thinking that I owe my career to some possum. And I want to be wearing a huge beautiful blue hat!

Leslie

Yo. So I feel like you were mad at me yesterday and I don't know why so I made a list of everything I did and I'm going to try not to do any of them again.

Andy

Ron: No, I'm bringing my workshop up to the Swanson code. And if the Swanson code happens to overlap with the city government code...
Mark: Shut up!

I can't kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word lieutenant. There's a lot of can'ts in my life right now.

Leslie

No, I've gotta help Leslie find the truth. Not because I'm pissed at Andy, which I'm not. Because I care so deeply about possums. 'Cause they're so adorable.

April

OK, hypothetically if you're going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale, you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, "What?" But then you thought, "Maybe it's not a whale. Maybe it's a big fish, maybe it's a submarine with a face painted on it." The point is if I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?

Leslie

Ron: I understand that city codes exist. And I know why they exist. And I understand that you enforce them.
Mark: OK.
Ron: OK, good talk. Can you sign off on my plans now?

Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 508 in total

Parks and Recreation Season 2 Quotes

I've established a scientifically perfect, ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. 10 is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

Ron

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Ron
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