Tom: Hold up. Former beauty queen Jessica Wicks?
Bill: Yes.
Tom: I'm Tom Haverford. I'm going to be running point on this, Bill.

In 1867, the progressive Rev. Turnbill officiated a wedding between a white woman and a Wamapoke Indian chief. The secret ceremony was beautiful and romantic. But then word got out and the reception was a bloodbath. Fortunately there were two survivors. Unfortunately they were both horses.

Leslie

Leslie: OK, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy fur-lined boots.
Tom: I'm going to need those boots back by the end of the day.
Leslie: Yeah, no problem. They're actually a little narrow for me.

Ron: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmare-ish hellscape. However to Leslie Knope-
Leslie: Oh how fun!
April: Yay.

Mark: Leslie, can I run something by you really quick?
Leslie: Sure, I love having things run by me.
Mark: I feel like you're being sarcastic right now.
Leslie: No, no. I'm not. I genuinely love it. Run it by me. Go ahead. Go, go, go.

April: I used to play softball.
Andy: I used to play baseball! It's like the boy version of softball.

Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

April

An animal on the head, a manimal in the bed.

Tom

Hey, Jerry? April was just double checking the lunch order. Do you want the salmon or the twout?

Tom

This is the only copy, and I'm going to destroy it. Right after I watch it one more time. I'm sorry but it is so, good.

Leslie

That segment was a disaster. Don't you ever [expletive] me like that again. This is Pawnee [expletive] Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on his hinders for you?

Joan

I came on today because I have some very important information to share. I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype.

Carl

Parks and Recreation Season 2 Quotes

Andy: I just wrote a new song, OK? Bottom line: it's called "sex hair." It's about how you can tell when someone just had sex 'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back. It's awesome.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.