There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quiznos.

OK, lap dances are on me. I mean I'm paying for them. They're not gonna actually be on me.

Leslie

I'm a feminist, OK? I would never ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face.

Leslie [to Tom]

April: I want to go to The Glitter Factory.
Leslie: Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.

Leslie: We are going to The Glitter Factory.
Tom: What?
Donna: Not me. I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine tell her she can keep Anfernee, but I want my microwave back.

Tom: She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. I'm a short, beautiful government employee slash club promoter.
Leslie: You're a club promoter?
Tom: Aspiring.

Mark: You have nothing else to give me.
Andy: I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless.

Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Ron [about Wendy]

Step two. Lose to your opponent intentionally so they gain confidence. Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily, Mark is pretty good at pool.

Andy

I love you, Tom. You're my lil' prince. Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly you around.

Donna

Jerry: I really wish I could have your body.
Tom: What?
April: Eww, like tied up naked in your basement?
Jerry: No, no I mean you're in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.
Leslie: That was weird, Jerry.

Andy: No, I just figured because, uh, pool's all about angles and he's a failed architect that he might want to play pool.
Mark: Let's do it.
Ann: Really? That worked?

Parks and Recreation Season 2 Episode 11 Quotes

Oh, uh, also, Mark. Again, we don't have those extra small condoms you ordered. I called the factory, i''s going to take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well. Something they've never dealt with before.

Andy

They'll only talk to you or me. And I can't go, because I don't want to.

Ron