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Parks-and-recreation

Leslie: Wow, you have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh yeah, would you like a vitamin? B12? Evening Primrose Oil? Willa Bar? Magnesium?
Leslie: No thank you.
Chris: Sure? They're good for hangovers.
Leslie: OK, I'll take one.

You know what's thirsty? You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird. When I'm drunk.

Leslie

Jean-Ralphio: This party sucks. Let's get out of here.
April: It's my birthday party.
Jean-Ralphio: It is?
April: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Sorry, boo.

Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman's house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.
April: That's so cute.
Jean-Ralphio: Yeah, super cute.

I'm reading this, and I'm like, how could they hurt those gorillas like that? They're such gentle, magnificent creatures. You know, I'm an animal lover, I don't know.

Tom

I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That's [expletive].

Ann

Ann: Let me ask you something. I'm hot.
Andy: Is that a question?

Ladies. Is there anything you desire at all? Besides me?

Tom

What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

Ron
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