Sloane: He’s 45, chubby, and lives with his mother.
McGee: You can tell all that?!
Sloane: No. Profiling doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes, homeless is an upgrade.

Reeves

The more you know, the less you understand.

Gibbs [on being told about memes]

We’re all as sick as our secrets, Clay, and we all need someone to talk to. Even you.

Bishop

When it comes to stupidity, I would not underestimate this guy.

Abby

Reeves: Who’s Tony?
Gibbs: An old friend.
Reeves: You’re friends with the bass player from Flock of Seagulls?

Smitty [caught committing a crime]: I was just, uh…
Torres: What? Sleepwalking?

Awkward silences make me uncomfortable, so I’m just gonna keep on talking!

Jimmy

Are those your house keys she just gave you?

McGee

Sloane: You’re gonna leave a complete stranger alone in your house.
Gibbs: Yes.
Sloane: I could rob you blind.
Gibbs: Lock up when you’re done.

Sloane: Ah, I can see you’re a glass half full kind of guy!
Gibbs: Depends. What’s in the glass?

Jimmy: Oh! Am I interrupting?
Gibbs: Nope. You’re right on time.
Jimmy: That’s unusual.

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.