Worry’s a bully. It gives you nothing. It only takes.

Grace Confalone

Bishop: Y’know, I don’t remember Gibbs having to deal with quite so much paperwork!
Reeves: That’s because he used it for kindling.
Bishop: Ha.
Reeves: No, really. The first steak he ever grilled for me was roasted over our fitness evals!

Woman [nervously, holding gas can]: We’re, ah, not open yet!
Torres: You might want to put up a few ‘no smoking’ signs when you do…

McGee: Why’d you have to swing so hard?
Gibbs: Why’d you have to have to break my wood carving?

McGee: Well, we went from a snowball’s chance in hell of getting out of here to a--
Gibbs: --snowball’s chance in Arizona.

El Jefe: You set off the radiation alarm!
McGee: You shouldn’t have let me near the computers.

Gibbs: It’s strictly voluntary.
McGee: I’m good.
Gibbs: Well, you got new responsibilities.
McGee: Boss, I appreciate that, but… don’t forget, I’m an NCIS Special Agent.

McGee: What did Bishop say?
Gibbs: We should go to church.
Torres: Oh, my mom would be so happy right now…

Curtis: You can call me… anything you want!
Abby: How about “Totally Inappropriate”?

Gibbs: What’ve you got?
Abby: What we’ve got is prep for a fishing trip if you’re gonna go after Moby Dick, or else Dean and Hudson were preparing for war.

Jimmy: I know you like me, too.
Gibbs [ominously]: Oh, yeah.
Jimmy: Growing less and less certain by the second.

Ducky [regarding “Goodfellas”]: Actually, I saw it with Gibbs!
Jimmy: Really? Gibbs sees movies, like made *after* 1957?
Gibbs [walks in]: What’s your point?
Jimmy: Whoa. That was an impressively quiet entrance.

NCIS Quotes

We’re all as sick as our secrets, Clay, and we all need someone to talk to. Even you.

Bishop

The more you know, the less you understand.

Gibbs [on being told about memes]