I've been to drug lord torture rooms less scary.

Torres [on the NCIS interrogation room]

Does she normally water the bird feeder?

Quinn [on an elderly woman's routine]

Bishop: Gibbs is famous for coming in just before the weekend starts and saying--
Gibbs: Grab your gear!

Everybody I never wanted to see again, all in one room.

Neil Sherwood [on the high school reunion]

Torres: He knew we were gonna meet here.
Gibbs: How do you know that?
Torres: Because he planted a bomb under my seat. I activated the pressure trigger when I sat down.
Gibbs [sees the bomb and grins]: And you're waiting until now to tell me that?
Torres: Well, I was in the middle of something. How does it look?
Gibbs: Hm, like it may hurt for a second!
Torres: You are enjoying this.
Gibbs: Oh, yeah. A little.

Quinn: Left behind some scorned women, huh, Gibbs?
Gibbs: I have no comment.

You have a doorbell?

Fornell [to Gibbs]

Silva: We were all concerned!
Torres: Oh, yeah, the guys you sent to kill me looked real worried.

You're like the Goldilocks of NCIS!

Quinn [to Gibbs]

I love this sofa. It's like being hugged by a microfiber cloud!

Fornell

Tony: I can't stay here.
Gibbs: We know that.
Tony: If that's Ziva, I gotta go.
Gibbs: We know. McGee, get him a plane.

Doctor: The bullets narrowly missed his spine but still cause significant nerve damage.
Emily: Are you saying he's paralyzed?
Doctor: Nothing permanent. We anticipate problems with his right arm and leg. He faces extensive rehab, and there'll be tough times ahead, I'm afraid..
Emily: [crying] Been there, done that.
Gibbs: Nothing he can't handle.

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.