Suffice to say, knowing that my mother spent the last years of her life head over heels in love is the best Christmas present I could possibly have!

Ducky

Takumi Rin [on his affair with Ducky's mother]: We became an item in the '90s. But Bubbles made me swear to never, ever say anything to Donnie!
Ducky [baffled]: "Bubbles"?

America?! Where they mix bacon... with syrup?!

Victoria Mallard

Balthazar Kilmeany: Your mother's got quite a set of lungs on her.
Young Ducky: I *will* throw up on you.

Quinn: I mean, maybe it's a coincidence. [McGee and Gibbs give her a look.] Oh, oh, no. Nope. Rule 69. "No coincidences."
McGee: No, actually Number 69 is "Never trust a woman who doesn't trust her man."
Quinn: Huh? Wait, what?! Really? That... sounds a little misogynistic, don't you think? Huh? I mean, do you have a rule that says "Never trust a man who doesn't trust his woman"? Think about it! Huh? No? Think about it! Rule 51!
McGee [to Gibbs]: "Sometimes you're wrong"! [Gibbs smacks the back of McGee's head.]

Emily [regarding having a boyfriend]: And how old you need to be?
Fornell: A year older than you are, and every year it goes up by one!

Fornell: Hey, Gibbs! You gotta come over here and push down on my pelvis!
Gibbs: I'm gonna pass on that.

Fornell: What on earth are you doing?!
Emily: Me? What are *you* doing, Dad?
Fornell: I *was* sleeping!
Emily: I noticed. Still on Uncle Gibbs's couch for some reason.
Fornell: You nearly scared me to death. And "Uncle Gibbs" is probably upstairs loading his bazooka as we speak!
Gibbs [calmly eating cereal]: Nope. I'm good.

This is exactly how zombie movies start.

Torres [entering an empty lab]

Abby: They're Navy rats.
Reeves: Officers or enlisted?

This is a literal gutless rat!

Jimmy Palmer

Flemming: Director, it's *my* life.
Vance: And we're gonna protect it. [beat] You're welcome!

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.