Bishop: We’re looking for Clyde. We went to his apartment, he wasn’t home.
Clyde’s Brother’s Wife: And you came here?
Bishop: Well, yeah, we figured since you two were sleeping together and all.

Sloane: This is *not* about getting hooked up to a car battery! These are not emotions I can just get over! This is not a problem that can be solved! [beat] I should’ve saved them.
Vance: You didn’t kill them.
Sloane [voice breaking]: But I let them die.

Clayton: I once had a friend at MI6 whose taxes got messed up while he was undercover in Borneo. Took him years to pay off.
McGee: How’d that happen?
Clayton: Tried to write off a helicopter as his company car.

Abby: Death by cookies.
McGee: Cookies.
Abby: Yes. Frosted almond cookies, with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.

Postal Worker: Oh, we’re closed!
Torres: Oh, we’re federal agents!

Whit Dexter: Gentlemen! You’ve got three minutes before I’m back from commercials. My secretary says you’re with CSI?
Torres: NCIS.
Whit Dexter: Whatever.

Reeves: You got shot.
Triff: It’s still not the worst vacation I’ve ever had.

Triff: I’m a vegetarian.
McGee: Are you kidding?! You used to be a furrier!
Triff: Wearing animals isn’t the same as eating them!

He just found out he’s going to bunk with a serial killer. There’s no sympathy card for that.

Clayton Reeves [about McGee]

Sloane: Well-adjusted individuals do not butcher people in their living rooms.
McGee: Or stare at people like they want to eat their face.
Sloane: Triff’s not a cannibal.
McGee: *Yet.* But if he branches out, I don’t want to be his guinea pig.

Gibbs: McGee, go see Triff. Find out what he knows.
McGee: Me? Boss, you sure *you* don’t want to talk to him instead?
Gibbs: You know him better than I do!
McGee: ...Anyone wanna trade?
Torres: Oh, I have to look at my screen and stuff.
Bishop: I got a thing.

Bishop: The inmate Jessica Schaeffer met with was Paul Triff.
Torres: What?! Hold on! As in the guy who carved up three bodies with an electric knife in McGee’s apartment and buried a mummified body under the floor? *That* Paul Triff?

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.