I am not! Last night, while under a particularly zippy strain of sativa my Tinder-date and I made the ill-advised decision to tape folders to our feet and ski down the stairs. We terrified my dog and I tweaked my back. Then we had sex and I destroyed my back.


Bonnie: That is such a loving and kind thing to do.
Jill: You being mean?
Bonnie: I'm being sincere.
Jill: Yea. Still can't tell.

It's not just Marjorie's clothes that make her old, it's actual time...Sorry, new to nice.


Veronica: People who need lawyers tend to be people who make bad choices. So, do we judge bad choices? No! We love bad choices! Because they pay for our shoes and food and vacations. Do you like shoes and food and vacations?
Christy: Not these shoes! Not right now.

Clearly god's plan for me is to be a terrible person who sets other terrible people free.


Mary's last moment on this earth was me being mean to her. I'm a horrible person.


Rudy: You're not my hooker.
Christy: No, she threw herself off a cliff.

Just remember, I can fart too!


Alas, I've been banned by Uber, Lyft, and most gypsy cabs. Apparently, there are cameras everywhere now.


Christy, if you change your attitude about Rudy, you can the one to help save his life.


Rudy: I got a DUI, they suspended my license. so get this, I am legally required to do that thing you do.
Christy: Cry myself to sleep?

Adam: Did you eat the chocolate out of my nightstand drawer?
Bonnie: Sorry, I have to get gas today, I'll pick you up another one.
Adam: This isn't gas station chocolate, it has hints of elderberrie and sea salt and 72% cacao.
Bonnie: You're so upset you don't know how to pronounce it. I love you honey, but it's cocoa.