Christy, I was in prison seven years. The mystery's gone.


Seymour is a very vigorous 72.


Christy: Why are you so hung up on having couple friends?
Bonnie: It's what you do when you get married. You cultivate relationships with other couples. You go to movies together, you meet for sushi, you stay at their beach house. They had a beach house.
Christy: Really? Do they have any kids my age?

Adam: Okay, first of all. The women in the video...Rebecca was a coke addict, Laura was a coke addict, and Jenny was a practicing witch. And a coke addict. Second of all, the Adam you saw in that video. Not a good guy.
Bonnie: I don't believe it. You're just trying to make me feel better.

Veronica: Christy, I am at the gym at 6:00 a.m. every morning punching a heavy bag to get my frustration out so I can suffer through another 12-hour day of coddling clients and sucking up to judges, so when I belittle you, be grateful, because what I really want to do is wring your ridiculously tiny neck. Seriously, it's smaller than a sparrow's. How does your head not just flop around all over the place?

Veronica: Honestly, a trained poodle could do your job better.
Christy: You know I am doing the best I can, and I would appreciate it if you didn't belittle me anymore.
Veronica: Oh god, my assistant has feelings and I don't have coffee.

(voiceover) Am I crazy or do I sound like Adele? I should cut a demo.


The thing is, I don't want to be married to someone who's an island. I want a real partner. Do you know I've never seen him cry? Well once, when he heard the Raiders were moving to Vegas.


Okay, let's take all of these boxes and stuff them under the bed with the rest of the stuff I don't know why I keep.


Christy: Oh, where's my phone? Where's my phone? Where's my phone?
Adam: In your hand. In your hand. In your hand.

Bonnie: You know you might want to tell your bride about all the self-help books you own before you get married.
Adam: It was a phase.
Bonnie: Did you ever find 'the child within'?
Adam: Yea, I married her.

I am not! Last night, while under a particularly zippy strain of sativa my Tinder-date and I made the ill-advised decision to tape folders to our feet and ski down the stairs. We terrified my dog and I tweaked my back. Then we had sex and I destroyed my back.


Mom Quotes

God, I hate those sunglasses. Why did he wait until our honeymoon to break out the hideous ladies eyewear?


Pants off we're mounting the bear.