We were great together, we spoke each other's language, we finished each other's balloon animals.


The librarian told me that one day I'll be a great catch.


I'm like a boxer before a fight, that's why I didn't have sex with Claire last night.


It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the reason there are so many single clowns.


Social networking or social not-working?


Claire: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah you said it was only for teenagers or people who wanted to have affairs.

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

First of all, that lady is my son.

Jay [about Mitchell]

It smells like puke married poop and they had the ceremony in my nose.


I always thought of women as the more evolved sex, but after today...I've seen things Jay.


Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy, actually makes them crazy?


A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit Cam's hometown, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.


Modern Family Season 3 Quotes

Look I'm the horse whisperer but something is making this one skittish!

Gloria [screaming]

Cam: You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?
Mitchell: No I told you it was fine, I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.