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Claire: I say no everyday in this house.
Phil: But at night she's a yes machine.
Claire: No.

Dad we can always find cool stuff to do. Even if you're old in a wheelchair, I'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go.


I remember thinking, I can't save you buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.


Your rebel boyfriend is a Dapper Dan!

Claire [to Haley]

I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.


Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cam: It's a child safety tether.

If she's going to leave the nest, we'd prefer it's not on the back of a motorcycle.

Claire [about Haley]

Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?

Jay [to Gloria]
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