Cam: What are we going to do?
Luke: I could start a fire.
Cam: No! But keep that in your back pocket.

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

Happy Valenbirthuhhhversary!

Phil

Caterer: Hi there. Is your father home?
Luke: I think so. Why?

Gloria: I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil: You can... do me.

I was wrong, every kid wants a clown for a dad.

Mitchell

Every time he opens his mouth I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Claire

Mitchell: Well, if the shoe fits...
Cam: They don't, they're comically large.

It's ten feet long with boxer shorts on the end, it works on so many levels.

Cam

Haley: Dad, gross, your hand smells like cheese.
Phil: I didn't want to dirty a knife.

All those joke emails she forwarded to me months after I'd seen them? Well, no more polite LOLs for YOU, Dede.

Phil

Manny: Baby Bear's a girl? We have to do it over! I would have played it totally different.
Jay: You nailed it.

Modern Family Season 2 Quotes

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them; they need to know who you wish you were, and try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Claire

Manny: Kelly's moving her stuff into my notebook.
Kelly: It just felt right.