Cam: What are we going to do?
Luke: I could start a fire.
Cam: No! But keep that in your back pocket.

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

Happy Valenbirthuhhhversary!

Phil

Caterer: Hi there. Is your father home?
Luke: I think so. Why?

Gloria: I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil: You can... do me.

I was wrong, every kid wants a clown for a dad.

Mitchell

Every time he opens his mouth I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Claire

Mitchell: Well, if the shoe fits...
Cam: They don't, they're comically large.

It's ten feet long with boxer shorts on the end, it works on so many levels.

Cam

Haley: Dad, gross, your hand smells like cheese.
Phil: I didn't want to dirty a knife.

All those joke emails she forwarded to me months after I'd seen them? Well, no more polite LOLs for YOU, Dede.

Phil

Manny: Baby Bear's a girl? We have to do it over! I would have played it totally different.
Jay: You nailed it.

Modern Family Season 2 Quotes

Claire: Little kids can be friends with old people, right?
Phil: Of course they can, there's tons of examples: Up, Gran Torino, True Grit..."
Claire: Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm. We've gotta go talk to that guy."

What about this two-hour Antiques Roadshow?
Manny I'll watch it today.

Jay