Yeah, he gives me a hard time. But that's the deal with a father-in-law. The key is I never let him see just how much it devastates me.


She bit me! Ow! She did it again! It's like Twilight back here!


Pretty soon you get some hair on your chest, you start answering the phone, and people don't think you're ladies.

Jay [to Manny and Luke]

Cam: She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean.
Mitchell: You know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?

She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon?


Or you could just be nice and pay it forward. They don't make movies out of bad ideas.


At this rate, I'm going to miss the first my wedding!


We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.


Luke: Here's something I didn't know about mannequins: They don't have a wiener.

Claire: Gus is a symbol.
Gloria: A sex symbol?

Jay: Flag on the play.
Manny: What does that mean?!?

Oh, the smiley face makes it okay! 'I waterboarded our toddler, LOL!'