She's had the romantic, she's had the intellectual, how about all that in one fine little brown package.


Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years.


I know Phil and I are going to grow old together someday, but today is not that day.


Claire: I'll be upstairs, Clive, don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.

It's like your shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

Phil [on sex]

They called a family meeting when they switched to one percent milk.


We are beyond blotting and rubbing, we've moved on to sweating and crying.


Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us.

I know what sex is, it's when a man and a woman take off their underwear and get into bed.


It sended! Please come back!


Whatever they were doing, Dad was winning.

Luke [on seeing his parents having sex]

If this were the '60s, we would be 'confirmed bachelors,' and Lily would be a Yorkie.