Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Unless you can convince Tom Brady to spend the night, I am not making breakfast for any football players…He is a football player right?

Mitchell

What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?

Gloria

I know I know, you hear football coach and you expect to see somebody who screams John Wayne. Meanwhile the only time I’ve screamed the Duke is when we’ve argued over who’s the cutest on Downton Abbey.

Cam

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

It's obvious mom, you use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge. It's like accountants who buy are Harley.

Alex

Sexy people go crazy too you know. Read a people magazine.

Haley

C'mon Jay this is my farewell tour Trick-or-Treating in the neighborhood, I have to go out strong.

Manny

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.

Jay

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.