What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Mitchell

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.

Manny

Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Mitchell

This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Cam

Cam: It was right about then that a question started nagging at me: "Is Phil sexy?"

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

Phil [to Cam]

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started out with a whipped cream smile on my waffle.

Phil

The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Gloria

Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Until he was 7 he would only blink one eye at a time. It gave a lot girls the wrong impression.

Jay

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Lesson learned- when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.

Luke