Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

Jay [to Manny]

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.


Obviously there were 2 gifts wrapped similarly and my eyes were a little watery from the thick fog of vapor rub back there.


It was pretty pricey, but they're judgey so we knew the'd love it.


Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.


I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.


Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

Jay [about Stella]

This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.


It is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.


Claire: What party?
Mitchell: Aw the two saddest words in the English language.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.