Mitchell: There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle.
Cam: Or guncle.

Claire: Don't you need to check IDs?
Bouncer: No sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.

Lily: Are you a nerd?
Alex: No. Why would you ask me that?
Lily: It's friday night and you're doing homework.

Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Jay

Mitchell: She's gonna wake up.
Cam: Oh please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire [to Alex]

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

We're showing Lily that we trust her enough to have one nice thing.

Mitchell

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

Phil

I get that Thanksgiving is an big day for families that don't see each other, but we're together nonstop.

Jay