Luke [to Lily]: Okay a boy and a girl meet a frat party and they both think each other is totally hot. So they pound their beers and head upstairs-
Manny: Luke! Stop. She's not hearing this from you.

Yes I'm a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family, but my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me, or just go to a bar.

Haley

Mitchell: There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle.
Cam: Or guncle.

Claire: Don't you need to check IDs?
Bouncer: No sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.

Lily: Are you a nerd?
Alex: No. Why would you ask me that?
Lily: It's friday night and you're doing homework.

Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Jay

Mitchell: She's gonna wake up.
Cam: Oh please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire [to Alex]

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

We're showing Lily that we trust her enough to have one nice thing.

Mitchell

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil