Luke: Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.
Alex: Don't compare us! Your last English paper came back with a Garfield sticker on it that said, "Way to Go!"

I love it that you're smart now.

Phil

Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

Claire

Laura: Did you pre-heat my oven?
Jay: Not on purpose.

Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Phil

You're missing out on life, Mitchell. Take off your shackles and show people who you really are.

Cam

Alex: What is wrong with me?!
Luke: Nothing is wrong with you. You're just a freak who gets turned on by tragedies.
Alex: Oh my God. Is that why I'm dating a firefighter?

Mitchell! Just because mom us dead doesn't make her a saint!

Claire

I know it's crazy, but I've always had this dream that Dede would come back and haunt me after she died. Maybe it's because she told me that at my wedding!

Gloria

Phil: Life is so unfair.
Jay: Damn right. I just waited in line an hour and a half around the block for a hoagie everybody's talkin' about, then my ex-wife drops dead, and I'm too sad to eat it. Eh, give it another hour.
Gloria: Oh. I'm sooo sorry for your loss, JAY.

Cam: You know, I don't know how we all feel about the afterlife, but I, myself, would like to imagine Dede surrounded by loved ones hearing...
Halloween Doorbell: Welcome to Hell! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Phil: I'll disconnect that doorbell.

It just feels inappropriate being dressed like this. I should be in something dark with a capped sleeve.

Cam

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay