Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Jay [to Gloria]

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Phil

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Phil

Ok keep in mind, I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? Because I can lower the hem.

Manny

Earl: I banged your ex wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I DO owe you an apology!

That's right, my boy's datin' her. He's datin' her real good.

Jay

Oh relax, I'm sure you guys will find a couple that wants to get with you.

Haley

Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.

Phil

How surprised should we be? I mean he's basically a hyperactive toddler who just wants to play all the time.

Alex

I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.

Claire
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