If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!


You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!


I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.


You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you're gonna come in second. Or fourth. Or maybe even tenth. But you're gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.


[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.


Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

That is literally the nicest gesture I have ever witnessed. And I'm from Canada.


Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?


Luke: What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
Alex: Is that a question you really want people asking around here?

She may not have gotten our talent, but she didn't get our self-consciousness either.


Manny: Hey, that's my bike!
Luke: We're all making sacrifices. I'm wearing a monokini.

If you can't beat em, drone em!


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women.
Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams… Wait a minute.

Phil Dunphy