If you can't beat em, drone em!

Phil

Manny: And just like that, it disappears.
Luke: In his defense, the water is really cold.

The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.

Jay

Wait, I just thought of something! I’m going to be the first woman in my family not to get pregnant and drop out of college.

Alex

Let's review. She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love, and most suspicious of all, she bought a book!

Claire

Haley got married? She is in so much trouble!

Luke

How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean that when we talked the other day, you knew I was in the can?

Jay

Claire: I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work. I come back and it's the exact same mess PLUS pickles and peanut butter.
Haley: I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry, and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

Jay [to Manny]

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.

Jay