Haley: I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Gloria: Does she think we're fifty?
Mitch: No, she's just really bad at math.

The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.

Jay

You're not going to drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you?

Alex

I knew we should have poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.

Manny

If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!

Phil

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

Phil

I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.

Claire

You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you're gonna come in second. Or fourth. Or maybe even tenth. But you're gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.

Haley

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

That is literally the nicest gesture I have ever witnessed. And I'm from Canada.

Kaplan

Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?

Phil

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.