You're a bad valentine!

Joe

The molten chocolate cake looks slutty and delicious. Would it kill you to say that about me?

Cam

All's I know is that you're being a real Capricorn right now. The sun revolves around the Earth and not you.

Hayley

Jay: If I didn't say it, it's a big deal, you going here.
Manny: If I didn't say it, I couldn't have done it without you.

Mitchell: What're you doing?
Pam: I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.
Mitchell: Uh Pam...
Pam: Fine, I'm making one of your homosexual smoothies.

We can't have people golfing sober. They'll realize it's a waste of time.

Luke

Let's face it, like Drew Barrymore, I am an adorable fire starter.

Cam

We will keep in touch, son.

Gloria [dropping Manny off at college]

Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Phil, we're them! We're the cover of the old people pamphlet.

Claire

Cam: The doctor says absolutely no sun while I'm on these antibiotics.
Mitchell: What would happen? Because if it's anything short of death, I think you should risk it.

No one wants your stupid science, Alex!

Jay

Modern Family Quotes

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay