Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

Phil

I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil

Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

Jay [about Stella]

This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.

Jay

It is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

Mitchell

Claire: What party?
Mitchell: Aw the two saddest words in the English language.

Looks like someone has an issue with anger franagment!

Mitchell

Oh c'mon please, my dad is Ms. Dunphy, I'm just Claire!

Claire

Claire: Well hello! How is your first day back in the closet...business?
Mitchell: That makes no sense, I've never worked here before.
Claire: It's just a gay joke Mitchell. Don't over-think it.

Alex: I know all you had to do to get into their college was like their Facebook page, but this is Princeton. I have to show them that I'm a serious thinker. And you could be a bit more supportive.
Haley: You're right I'm sorry. Your outfit's perfect.
Alex: Thanks.
Haley: If you're applying to lumberjack school. And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.