We can't have people golfing sober. They'll realize it's a waste of time.


Let's face it, like Drew Barrymore, I am an adorable fire starter.


We will keep in touch, son.

Gloria [dropping Manny off at college]

Luke: Why does Alex get a care package and not me?
Claire: You live in a care package.

Phil, we're them! We're the cover of the old people pamphlet.


Cam: The doctor says absolutely no sun while I'm on these antibiotics.
Mitchell: What would happen? Because if it's anything short of death, I think you should risk it.

No one wants your stupid science, Alex!


Mitchell: I ran into this guy who runs the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?

Mitchell: I ran into this guy who runs the bait shop.
Jay: Is that a gay bar?

I don't trust lakes. Where I come from this is where we dump drugs and dead bodies.


Jay: Let me tell you about a little innovation called Netflix. You'll never miss another movie again.
Marty: Really?
Jay: Hand to God. You pick a film on your computer. Three days later, there's a disc in your mailbox. You gotta stay up with technology, Marty!
Marty: Wow. Thanks... [to his wife] Can you believe he doesn't know about streaming? If I ever get that out of touch? Kill me.

Mitchell: Aaaaaah! I can't even believe I'm talking to you right now!!
Barbara Streisand's Voice: Please. I'm just a regular person like you. I have people put on my pants one leg at a time.
Mitchell [wheezing and clapping]: That's so funny!

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.