We have an announcement. Dylan and I are having a baby.

Haley

Even Uncle Cam's? You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.

Luke

Don't worry. They come back.

Cal

Ya' know what? As a former mall Santa, I vow to never comment on a sitting Santa, but you're a disgrace to the red and white.

Cam

I took a swing at a new way to cook a turkey.

Claire

Hey, what was all that squeaking in the garage? Are the raccoons back? Damn it!

Haley

I'm so stressed. I wish it was the '50s when it was healthy to drink and smoke when you're pregnant.

Haley

Don't break Alex, she's our safety net.

Luke

Well, there it is. I'm just glad E.T. didn't land at your house.

Cam

I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me. And I'm cissy-gendered enough to admit it.

Jay

Let's see those little bastards complain about that. Oh!

Principal Brown

Phil: Do or do not, there is no try.
Mitch: Please don't Yoda me.

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil