We have an announcement. Dylan and I are having a baby.


Even Uncle Cam's? You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.


Don't worry. They come back.


Ya' know what? As a former mall Santa, I vow to never comment on a sitting Santa, but you're a disgrace to the red and white.


I took a swing at a new way to cook a turkey.


Hey, what was all that squeaking in the garage? Are the raccoons back? Damn it!


I'm so stressed. I wish it was the '50s when it was healthy to drink and smoke when you're pregnant.


Don't break Alex, she's our safety net.


Well, there it is. I'm just glad E.T. didn't land at your house.


I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me. And I'm cissy-gendered enough to admit it.


Let's see those little bastards complain about that. Oh!

Principal Brown

Phil: Do or do not, there is no try.
Mitch: Please don't Yoda me.

Modern Family Quotes

But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?


Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me