Mitzi: Your kid forgot his cereal. There's a surprise in every box. Spoiler alert: it's diabetes!

• Permalink: It's diabetes!
• Added: March 14, 2012

Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Gloria [about her body]

• Permalink: Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use i...
• Added: March 14, 2012

Haven't you ever seen an NBA game? Oh in your case I mean the WNBA.

Mitzi [to Phil]

• Permalink: Haven't you ever seen an NBA game? Oh in your case I mean the WN...
• Added: March 14, 2012

We were great together, we spoke each other's language, we finished each other's balloon animals.

Cam

• Permalink: We were great together, we spoke each other's language, we finis...
• Added: March 14, 2012

The librarian told me that one day I'll be a great catch.

Manny

• Permalink: The librarian told me that one day I'll be a great catch.
• Added: March 14, 2012

I'm like a boxer before a fight, that's why I didn't have sex with Claire last night.

Phil

• Permalink: I'm like a boxer before a fight, that's why I didn't have sex wi...
• Added: March 14, 2012

It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the reason there are so many single clowns.

Cam

• Permalink: It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the ...
• Added: March 14, 2012

Social networking or social not-working?

Luke

• Permalink: Social networking or social not-working?
• Added: March 14, 2012

Claire: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah you said it was only for teenagers or people who wanted to have affairs.

• Permalink: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests? I d...
• Added: March 14, 2012