Female Anchor: That's right. Statistics show that New Year's Eve is when people are most likely to commit suicide. More than 500 New Yorkers are expected to take their own lives tonight, especially those who are spending New Year's Eve by themselves.
Male Anchor: All by themselves.
Female Anchor: With no one by your body.
Male Anchor: Go ahead and put that gun in your mouth.
Funnyman, listen up. We're taking the kids down to Mexico to see your abuelita. We're staying at the Casa Grande Hotel. It's got a heated pool, hot wings on tap. Now I got you a first class ticket out of that left wing Kennedy Airport and you must come, I will not take 'no' for an answer.Doug
"Sh*t on my father's balls. Sh*t."
Tune in every night, folks. It's the Crying Cleaning Lady show!Dahl
You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade
Tell the truth. You're scared. You're a rookie. You're like some kid at a talent show with a number pinned to his shirt.Dahl [To Louie]
Now, have you ever had experience being funny?Dahl [To Louie]
Just because you like to hang out in your underwear on your couch doesn't mean the United States of America wants to see it.Jack Dahl
Well you know, you're the hip guy, the cool guy. That used to be me. But then you gotta do 14 minutes a night, every single night. Nobody's hip every single night.Jay Leno
Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.Jack Dahl
In 10 years, you're gonna be teaching comedy at a community college and you'll be falling asleep to the Late Show... with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly declining orbit.Garry Marshall
Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off.