How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 4: "The Sexless Innkeeper" Quotes
'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
Ted
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
usually, it's the innkeeper that offers turndown services
Robin
Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
Barney
Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
We're kind of on a double date with Pey and Shey, and we wouldn't want you guys to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel
Lily [to Robin and Barney]
Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition
Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them
Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome
Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging
Barney
Random Girl: How's grading?
Ted: You just gotta make it fun, every time I see a grammatical error, I do a shot. Right now I'm smashed and I blame the public school system.
Ahh tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch
Barney
