I'm Ellen. I feel like if I'm gonna be a lesbian I might as well go straight to the top!


Alex: This is gonna be so much. I'm gonna get a penis shaped cake and a penis pinata.
Penny: It's a baby shower, not a bachelorette party.
Alex: Right right, ok what kind of penis stuff should I get?

No I'm not pretending I'm pregnant anymore. This is not eighth grade gym class.


Daphne: Seeing Jane married and pregnant has made you regret turning down the world's greatest guy.
Alex: John Krasinsky?

It'll be like "Three's Company!" I'll be adorable Chrissie, Max can be hilarious and you can be Janet.

Alex [to Dave]

Penny: The only people who can get away with being mean are rockstars or brain surgeons or Mr. Phil.
Jane: I think you mean Dr. Phil.
Penny: C'mon it's a PHD. Everybody calm down.

Check it out, the trash can stove. Or as I call it, the "trove."


Max: You should watch the gay history channel.
Dave: That's a real thing?
Derek: Yeah it's called Bravo.

Brad get me a new pair of pants, I look like a Turkish Whore master!


Look at all this hair, I look like Gene Wilder.


This is nothing new, Jane has always been the president of everything. Student body, national honor society, our immediate family.


My top half is at a museum fundraiser and my bottom half is selling veggie burritos in the parking lot outside a Widespread Panic concert!


Happy Endings Season 2 Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."