He's not lying, he once ladybugs'd himself into a jr high girls soccer tournament, bet against the team and threw the game.


You need a dirtbag and luckily enough for you my middle name is Herbert and I'm a dirtbag.


Ugh actors are the worst.


You had Jane plan you a backup wedding in an underground bunker just in case North Korea quote grew a pair, but you never thought of who's gonna walk you down the aisle?


The point is I gotta be a man and stand up for myself on my own with you guys behind me. Brad maybe you more towards the front perhaps wearing some Raiders gear.


You look like an assistant manager at a Jacksonville multiplex.


Alex: You gave me a serious addiction to candy cigarettes.
Jane: You broke my Bob Dole action figure.

Winter is coming.


I mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it. In fact sir I would like an apology, I am hurt. I am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that I would screw this up for you.


Ahh gay wit, the white noise of the hair salon.


Alex and Jane tried being honest with each other like 20 years ago. The fight lasted for weeks. The family calls it, "the incident."


Penny: Davey what's the name of that movie about the horse that goes to the war?
Alex: Uhh War Biscuit, Duh.

Happy Endings Quotes

Dave: Whore's bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]