It's not like I'm at home pining away for you, collecting your hair to turn into some teeny, tiny voodoo doll.


Jared: I wouldn't mind his game when I'm 70.
Peter: I wouldn't mind his game now.

The fact that I took our friendship and just crashed it into a pole kills me. It makes me want to do a swan dive into a woodchopper.


OK, do I have a sign that says I banged Peter's mom on my forehead? Let me rephrase that before you punch a hole through my face.


Peter: Were your parents ninjas?
Dan: They never said.

Don't try to peel this onion, you'll only find a plum.


Franklin and Bash, wrangle your vermin.


Jared: We were young. Mere chicken tenders.
Peter: But now we're the big cocks of the wok.

You should come with evil theme music.


Peter: This is insane, even for you.
Jared: Only if you think about it.

Objection your honor, you look far too hot.


You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.


Franklin & Bash Quotes

See that's a talent, sounding like a total asshole even when you're supposedly saying something sincere.


"Sorry, sorry. Jean Claude Van Damme marathon last night. Unavoidable.