Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX

Brian: You invented a time machine, but you can't get us out of a safe?
Stewie: Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini.

Brian: Actually it's called Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: Really? Shouldn't it be person before animal, like Turner & Hooch?
Brian: I don't think that movie is a good example... of anything.

When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and poop out half digested mice.


Uh oh, is it stinky cause I farted? Cause sometimes I can suck them back in.


Peter: Chris, how are all your friends at school?
Chris: What do you care, you don't even know who my friends are.
Peter: Sure I do... Chandler... Fonzy... and Remington Steele?
Chris: You got lucky, dad.

Yeah that's right. You buy your kid ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened. Yep, your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that one to your god.


Tommy Lee: Everyone's special.
Peter: Rock drummer Tommy Lee!
Tommy Lee: And if you're wife ever tells you you're not special, punch her right in her hepatitis.
Peter: Thanks rock drummer Tommy Lee!
Tommy Lee: Hey, you know what else is really cool? Having sex with sun glasses on.
Peter: I have a lot of things to try now.

I'm standing here with Mr. Hawking, the first white man I've ever met who knows math better than me.

Tricia Takanawa

Brian, we're really excited about the ratings, we're just disappointed how low they are.

TV Exec
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