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Family-guy

We will have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims. Uhmm...Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white, so no Italians, no Polish, just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh...America!

Griffin

Citizen 1: [gasps] The king!
Citizen 2: The king is here!
Female Citizen: I didn't vote for him!

[Red/Cleveland is reading Andy's/Peter's letter]
Andy's voice: Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
[Red pauses]
Red: CRAP!

Paul: You fondled me in my sleep?
Stewie: Yep.
Paul: I'm not sure I'm okay with that.
Stewie: Well, it's done.

Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show... you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!

Jay Leno

Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.

Craig Ferguson

Peter: You know somethin' Brian? I bet you'll make the late night monologues.
[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style."

Peter: Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]
Peter: What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

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