Anna: I'm really sorry about your Dad's parrot.
Chris: Oh, that's okay. He'll get over it pretty quickly, and then move on to another wacky thing.
(heard in the background)
Peter: Lois, who's pipe organ is this?

Peter: Give it to me straight Doctor Jewish; Is he gonna live?
Dr. Jewish: Mister Griffin, I'm afraid that your Parrot is dead.
Peter: Noooo! Did he at least die with dignity?
Dr. Jewish: Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor, then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must have frightened him because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up, but then, I got angry because some of it got on my thumb. So I threw him against the wall, and that's where he died.
Peter: That's the way I wanna go.

Chris: So, uh, how do you like working at the vet?
Anna: Oh, it is so rewarding. Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved working with animals.
Chris: Did you ever make it with one of the dogs?
Anna: What?
Chris: I mean, uh uh, did you enjoy your appetizer?
Anna: It hasn't come yet.
Chris: Oh, um... I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs? No! Stupid! (hits himself)
Anna: Chris, just relax.
Chris: Um, okay. You know Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world, and now all I wanna do is show you my inner most self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see. Or that you'll see my scrotum, and see that it has a seam on it, and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, cause that's what I think happened.

Meg: I wanna be a veterinarian when I grow up!
Peter: Meg, we've been over this. You're going to gain 150lbs., and write Ugly Betty fan-fiction.
Meg: But Daaaaaaaad!
Peter: Meg, that's final.

Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!

Joe: (about Peter's parrot) Hey Peter you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12.
(everyone stares at him)
Quagmire: I mean you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.

Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter: Um, define "Chris".

Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was... well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... never mind.

Anna: My name's Anna.
Chris: Um, I'm Chris. Sometimes, I have to poop for a long time. Now it's your turn to say something.
Anna: (laughs) You're funny!

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your Vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.

</i> Chris

Stewie: Say Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen year old son, when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what Stewie, If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Family Guy Season 6 Quotes

"Little List" Lyrics
Stewie: As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's the white kid with the baggy clothes who's talking like hes black,
The girl you date who doesn't get the jokes in Caddyshack.
The Asian guy who cuts in front of every single line,
And Britney Spears for accidentally showing her va-gine.
And Bill 'O Reilly's ineffective dermatologist,
May none of them be missed, may none of them be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list.
And may none of them be missed,
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy behind the news reporter waving like a fool,
And senator Bill Frist, I've got him on the list.
And the fat kid smiling warmly while hes peeing in the pool,
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the foul smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage,
And every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage.
And while we are on the subject, HBO deserves a whack,
For ending the Sopranos with a f***ing cut to black.
And guys who when you shake there hand just bump you with there fist,
I don't think they'd be missed, I'm sure they'd not be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy who sits beside you and keeps farting on the plane,
And Shakira's lyricist, I've got him on the list.
And the smarty on thanks giving who says its the "trip to fame,"
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the blonde who tells you loudly with a voice just like a knife,
"You know someone should do a sitcom based around my life!"
The guy who watched The Simpsons back in 1994,
And wont admit the damn thing isn't funny anymore.
And a-ny-one and everyone who's ever... made me... pissed!
Social Security Guards:(Made me pissed, made me pissed, made me really really pissed!)
Stewie: I've got them on the list,
May none... of them... be... missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
Stewie: May none... of them... be... missed!
Solo Guard: None of them be missed.

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body!

Cleveland (R2-D2)