Family Guy Season 5 Quotes
Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.
Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!Quagmire
(Peter is talking with Brian, about returning to the past to correct the present)
Peter: I don't care what it takes, Brian. I gotta get Lois back somehow.
Brian: Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies.
Peter: Ah, that's gonna be tough. With President Gore's Universal Health Care, people are living much longer these days.
Brian: And with Zero Tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.
Peter: I don't care! We gotta find a way to summon Death, and quick!
(Jane Jetson falls out of the sky to the pavement, dead)
Peter: Well, that might do it.
Peter: Death, oh thank God you're here! Listen, you gotta send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois!
Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Haliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.
It was nice meeting you, Miss Ringwald. I'll be back later for your career.Death
Peter: (inadvertently punches the giant chicken)
Some guy: Oh whoa big guy,(holding the giant chicken), you probably never even gonna see him again.
Radio: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.
Peter: Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's president?
Brian: Peter, you're the one from the future, you should know - ah, forget it.
(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.
Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt! And I won't let Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot, curious about it's own existence keep us apart!
Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.
Peter: Let's just all be grateful things are completely back to normal again.
(Roger from American Dad walks on screen)
Roger: Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?
(Horace tries to fix T.V. but falls down, hits floor hard. He stops moving)
Bar patron: Oh my God! Is he dead? I think he might be dead!
Death: Oh, did you hear that? Noah Wyle here thinks he might be dead. Step aside junior. (Walks to Horace and pokes him with his scythe) Nope, he's just knocked out. Damn! I drove all the way out here! I had to cancel another appointment! Never like to be too far away from Mike Wallace.
(Cuts to Mike Wallace using a type-writer. Death is sitting in a lounge-chair reading a newspaper behind him. Mike stops typing, and Death looks up from his paper. Mike resumes typing and Death goes back to reading his paper)