Family Guy

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Banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.

Peter

Brian: (in heaven) Look at me, hanging out with Ernest Hemmingway, Vincent Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. But it does seem like we all ended up here earlier then we should have.
Hemmingway: Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and shot myself.
Van Gogh: I couldn't reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.
Cobain: I couldn't stand the idea of my music becoming some bland corporate tool, so I shot myself.
Brian: Yeah, I... got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

(as Stewie writes "douchebag" on Brian's grave)Stu: That's not really appropriate, Stewie.
Stewie: Of course it is, I loathe that know-it-all flea-bitten mutt!
Stu: No, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed ever since President Douchebag

Stu: (after sex) So...do I...do I give you money or something?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Stu: I'm sorry. That's never happened before.
Fran: What? The eight seconds of sex, or the forty minutes of crying afterwards?

Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...

Quagmire: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign?
Brian: "Quagmire's Cross Country Tour." Uh, isn't there an "O" in country?
Quagmire: Nope.

Peter: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago!
Quagmire: You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
Lois: (Sarcastically) Oh, how clever.

Lois: Chris, I'm gonna teach you to be an affable, desirable young man, who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris: Why you gotta break balls?

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: Ok, now if I get a fax, can I stay online and still receive the fax without a dedicated line?
Foreign employee: Yeah you can put a piece of paper in here, and make like a phone call, and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture.
Stewie: Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington