Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 3 Episode 4: "One If By Clam, Two If By Sea"

Lois: Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were YOU?
Lois: Out drinking. But I got back at two
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cleveland: Look at all the damage!
Peter: Thank God the open air debris garden is still intact
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy
 • Rating: 2.5 / 5.0

Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar. A bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire. You forgot to say "oh".
Quagmire: You sure? I think I did... Well, just to be safe. Oh!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter [to Queen's Guard]: Hell, I thought you English guys never move.
Guard: No. That's just our women
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Bartender: Evening, gents! How about a nice, warm lager?
Englishman: And help yourself to a packet of crisps.
Englishman Two: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding.
Peter: Holy crap, it's a gay bar!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 3: "Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington"

Peter: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her.... smoking!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Oh, yeah, yeah, that plane crash I told you about... it turned out to be gas
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father, and raped my mother
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by finding the El Dorado cigarette company infinity billion dollars!
Congressman: That's the spirit Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday
 • Rating: Unrated

Executive: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? That's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that post that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano [watching the episode from her couch]: What kind of cheap shot! Joe!
Joel: (motioning with his hand while seated at an office desk behind her) I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I guess I could ride him to the store
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 2: "Brian Does Hollywood"

Director [to Lois]: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darnest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."
 • Rating: Unrated

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