Family Guy

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Peter: Can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that!
Peter: Fine, I'll kill your mother. When did Christmas have to get so complicated?

That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. Then again, he was never meant to be funny

Peter

Hick Child: Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box!
Buck: It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony"

Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight, I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it

Peter

You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk

Peter

Peter: What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of his father's friend's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit-
Joe: I get the message, Peter!

Joe: Hey Peter, this water tastes kind of funny.
Peter: What do you mean like "ha ha" Jerry Seinfeld funny, or Elaine Boosler "God bless her she's trying" funny?

Meg: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room.
Stewie: I'm sure it will be lost throughout the pictures of Justin Timberlake or Tom Cruise or ... blast, who the devil do teenagers like ... or Morgan Freeman

TV Announcer: We now return to Touched by an Angel.
Lawyer [holding up a doll]: Now where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy [pointing to the crotch]: Here.
Angel: Oh come on, who are you going to believe? I've got a freakin' halo

I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken

Peter

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 176 in total

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Brian: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?