Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 3 Episode 14: "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?"

Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]: Dear Diary, Jackpot!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Hey, Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Jake: Aw!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 13: "Screwed The Pooch"

Meg: Oh, my God!
Mr. Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no he's just awkwardly positioning himself--oh now he's violating Seabreeze
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey mana, I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Hotel Manager: I blame the schools
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Your honor, Brian'll be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice-cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter... and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lawyer: Mr Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher?
Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh-
Lawyer: Thank-you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something?
Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh-
Lawyer: Thank-you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Teacher: In French, when you want to say "yes", you say "oui, oui!"
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh my god, that is hysterical. Oh, man. Hey, what do you say for "no"? "Doo Doo?" Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes!"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Brian, I am very disappointed in you. I'd turn my back on you but I've seen what do in that situation
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 12: "To Love and Die in Dixie"

Peter: I think the lesson here is, it doesn't really matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Ewww, What's that smell?
Brian: It's either bad meat or good cheese...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Wait a minute. Pie? Drunk? The?, I think you got yourself a new sherrif!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: Now whenever I see a dead body, I will poke it twice as hard for you Sam!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Listen Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right, so here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulphuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronets which seem to be collapsed domes of a large magma chamber. Here's five dollars
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Aw, the South! Isn't that the place where the black guys are lazy, and the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck, when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie: You suck!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herbert: You like popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure!
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles. Mmmmm.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Oh, don't make me beg now.
Chris: Hahaha! You're funny. Bye.
[Chris pedals away on his bike]
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

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