Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around! It's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Chris: Dad, can Meg and I stay up late when you're away.
Peter: You can do whatever you want, Chris, just stay away from the Candy Tree.
Candy Tree: He's right to caution you. I feed off of children

Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother. Except somebody will be watching

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Peter: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the staff isn't it?
Waiter: Technically yes, but -
Peter: Great, thanks

Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation

There's a little girl stuck in that well. Unfortunately no one's arms are long enough to reach her except for that one guy, but he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree

Man

God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Quagmire [thinks to self]
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