Family Guy

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Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils

Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh My.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well that's just silly.
Adam West: Silly, yes...idiotic...yes

Cardinal: Pope! Time to get up and put your hat.
Pope: It's a stupid hat.
Cardinal: Pope!
Pope: Okay, okay. God!
[Goes into the bathroom, comes out, and drops his boxer shorts on the floor]
Cardinal: Pope, the floor is not a hamper.
Pope: Man!

German Tour Guide: Besides its beautiful, historic architecture, Munich was the home of many great writers, such as Thomas Mann. You will find more on Germany's contribution to art in the pamphlets we've provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, wait. What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: (screaming frantically) We were invited! Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: No, no, he left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I WILL HEAR NO MORE INSINUATIONS ABOUT THE GERMAN PEOPLE!! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!! (begins shouting in German)- SIE WERDEN SICH HINSETZEN, SIE WERDEN RUHIG SEIN, (raises his hand in Nazi salute) SIE WERDEN NICHT BELEIDIGEN DEUTSCHLAND!!!
(eveyone looks at him terrified)
Brian: (hesitantly) Uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour Guide: (cheerfully) Oh, yes! Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls

Brian: I'm stuck on a trans-atlantic flight with a petulant runaway. Could this get any worse?
Andy Rooney: You know what I hate about flying? The peanuts. First of all, you can't open them. Who are they trying to keep out of these?
Jerry Seinfeld: And what's the deal with the razor blade slot in the bathroom? Are people actually shaving in there?
Andy Dick: Hi, Andy Dick here. I just need to get my luggage into the overhead compartment here. [Items start falling out of the compartment] Whoa, that's whacky!
[Brian sighs]

Peter: Lois, I'm packing for Kissstock and I can't find my favorite underwear!
Lois: You mean the one with the hole in the left butt cheek from you tore them pulling them up in the airplane bathroom when you had the trots?
Peter: No, the one with the hole in the right butt cheek from when I held it in during the extra-long sunday service mass because I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus, and I let it go in the vestibule, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Lois: Oh. Middle drawer!

Lois: Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?
Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around! It's painful!
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Chris: Dad, can Meg and I stay up late when you're away.
Peter: You can do whatever you want, Chris, just stay away from the Candy Tree.
Candy Tree: He's right to caution you. I feed off of children

Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother. Except somebody will be watching

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

Peter: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the staff isn't it?
Waiter: Technically yes, but -
Peter: Great, thanks

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 176 in total

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Brian: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?