Family Guy

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 3 Episode 20: "Road to Europe"

Chris: Dad, can Meg and I stay up late when you're away.
Peter: You can do whatever you want, Chris, just stay away from the Candy Tree.
Candy Tree: He's right to caution you. I feed off of children
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 19: "Stuck Together, Torn Apart"

Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother. Except somebody will be watching
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the staff isn't it?
Waiter: Technically yes, but -
Peter: Great, thanks
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation
 • Rating: Unrated

Man: There's a little girl stuck in that well. Unfortunately no one's arms are long enough to reach her except for that one guy, but he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree
 • Rating: Unrated

Quagmire [thinks to self]: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery.
Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
Brian: You can not tell Lois about this.
Stewie: Oh, and what if I do?
Brian: I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.
Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 18: "From Method to Madness"

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Simon: Nice effort Brad, but let's remember our performance hierarchy: legitimate theatre, musical theatre, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime
 • Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

Quagmire: Hey Peter, can I borrow your lawnmow... [sees Lois naked] Aaahh! Any of you folks got a towel?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dottie: Would you like a beer?
Peter: Uh, sure. What have you got?
Dottie: I've got Busch. Oh, and Busch Light
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Oh my God. She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: So Olivia... beautiful day.
Olivia: You're not gonna fart again are you?
Stewie: Well I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: So Meg, did any of the neighbors see Jeff come over?
Meg: Mom! Come one Jeff, let's go in other room.
Lois: Now Meg, no need to get so testes, uh testy. Nuts, I mean crap!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 17: "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows"

Lois: Hey Brian... you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian: Same thing that always happens, she was an idiot
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Pearl: What is this, spit soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this, snot soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this, diarrhea soup?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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