Brian: What are you doing here [at rehab]?
Peter: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack

Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "Melanoma."
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified

Brian: The real hero here is God: for blessing me with this nose, and a few other amazing appendages!

I'm not being insensitive, Lois. I just don't see why we have to cancel our vacation, just because the dog's a coke-fiend


Joe: Nice work, rookie!
Cop #1: You're a credit to the force!
Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian

Joe: Say hello to our newest narc.
Quagmire: Oh, yeah? (to Brian) How good are you?
Brian: (Sniffs) You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women. (Sniffs) And a man.
Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women. (Brian stares blankly) NOOOOO!

Brian: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister

Family Guy Season 3 Quotes

Tom, you're so far in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents

Little Diane

You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today