Acosta: I’m glad we’re talking again.
Kristen: Were we not?
Acosta: For a minute there.
Kristen: I’m glad too.

Boggs: Let me be clear. I don’t believe in any of this.
Acosta: OK, good to know.
Boggs: Wait, wait, wait. I still need to, uh, ask you something. It’s about one of my patients. She thinks she’s …
Kristen: She wants an exorcism?
Boggs: Yeah.
Ben: And you want her to have one?
Boggs: No, it’s just … I recognize results. I saw the results with Caroline Hopkins. She believed in it, so she believed in the results of the exorcism.

Father: Unfortunately, what this woman is asking for is impossible. An unborn child cannot be possessed.
Acosta: But isn’t a child a cognizant creation even in the womb? If not, then why is abortion a sin.
Father: But no demon can possess a person until that person gives an invitation, and un unborn child lacks that ability. I’m sorry.
Ben: I’m sorry, wait, so you can’t perform an exorcism because the fetus can’t choose, right?
Father: The unborn child.
Ben: OK, right. So what if it’s an infestation?
Father: Infestation of what?
Ben: The womb.
Acosta: Ben’s right. You can exorcise the womb even if the fetus isn’t possessed.

Ben: So what are we thinking?
Acosta: I think I understand.
Ben: What?
Acosta: Matthew 13: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat.’
Ben: David, I don’t get parables. Just tell me.
Acosta: These are the weeds. The eggs. The slaughter of the innocents isn’t killing 2-year-olds; it’s corrupting the eggs.
Ben: It’s like ‘The Boys from Brazil.’
Acosta: What is that?
Ben: My own parable. It’s a movie about these people. They’re trying to clone little Hitlers from his DNA.

George: It’s George. Did I wake you?
Kristen: No, I was waiting for you.

Leroux: Hi Kristen. Just thought I’d drop by to say no hard feelings. I hope that we can still be friends and work out all the …
Kristen: Yes, hi, there’s a man on our street watching the schoolgirls, and I think he’s touching himself.
Leroux: Come on Kristen. I’m only here to make amends. It’s step nine.
Kristen: Let me look. I think it’s a Chevy, dark blue, license plate …
Leroux: Kristen, this is a mistake. I’m not your enemy.
Kristen: It’s a New York plate. It starts with AOC. Hold on, I think he’s leaving.
Leroux: I came here to make peace. I found God. You reap what you sow.
Kristen: You go sow it somewhere else.

Sheryl: Baby, I’m sorry but you don’t get to determine who I date.
Kristen: You lied to me, mother. You kept seeing Leland, and you kept feeding him information.
Sheryl: Kristen, this is not a war. I’m not feeding anybody anything. I’m just talking with my lover.
Kristen: Oh my god. He’s a psychopath.

Townsend: She has this way of getting to me. I’ll be feeling all-knowing and all-powerful, and then, she’s in my face, and I just feel impotent.
Satan: When you say impotent, do you mean sexually?
Townsend: No, she’s talking about Jake The Flake and the marching band, and why do people make fun of marching bands? That’s a worthy entertainment, and I should have just ripped out her heart.
Satan: Why didn’t you?
Townsend: It’s not part of the plan or has that changed?
Satan: Do you want the plan to change?
Townsend: No.
Satan: Good. Then find someone else to take her heart out, and you and I will eat it together. Now tell me about your dreams.

Townsend: Hey, here we are. Just the two of us coming full circle. Your testimony went poorly today, didn’t it? I think the judge was leaning against Leroux until you testified. What do you think? And the sad thing is, you had so many chances to not get involved. How many times did I tell you to go home to your daughters? Don’t get involved in David. But then, every step of the way, you did the opposite. And now your husband’s offering this gift. Go climbing, and yet, here you still are. I’m gonna do for you what God did for Job. Job only had three daughters, and God killed them. You have four daughters. I’m gonna kill every last one, then your husband, then burn down your house. I’m not gonna touch you though, no, because I want you to live with the realization that you’re responsible for their deaths, that you let them die through your obstinacy, your need to win.
Kristen: God, you talk too much.

Acosta: Sonia, don’t. Look at me. you said you felt this thing, this evil oppressing you. Killing him is evil.
Sonia: He broadcast for the next hundred days.
Comedian: Wasn’t me.
Sonia: He encouraged the Hutus to take to the streets, to breaking into homes, churches, raping Tutsi women, hacking innocent people with machetes exactly like this.
Comedian: I did not. I did not I swear. I’m just a comedian.
Sonia: Two million Tutsis murdered, hacked to death by their neighbors. Two million.

Kristen: So you’re a Buddhist now?
Andy: No, no, I’m just, uh, I don’t know, um, exploring. But don’t worry; I’m still me.
Kristen: No, I know you’re still you. I just, I mean I find it weird that you’re criticizing the Catholic stuff in my job while …
Andy: Oh, no. Buddhism’s not a religion. It’s a practice.

Renée: You know why I really think you called? Because you’re not over this. Because you said we should stay apart, but you’re the one who called me.
Acosta: Renée.
Renée: What is the other option here? You thought I was teasing you with my sister’s handwriting? How does that even make sense?

EVIL Season 1 Quotes

Santa got high, now everything is funny. Someone had a gummy, he thought he might try. His mouth is so dry, his teeth are kind of itchy. How’d he ever get so high? Ho ho ho, just the taste of a yummy gummy. Ho ho ho, yummy yum in my rummy tummy. Ho ho ho, gummy gum, tummy, funny gummy. Oh god everybody knows.

Pudsy’s Christmas

Townsend: In 1785, the king of France found that potatoes were the most economical way to feed the peasantry. The problem was peasants hated potatoes. So the kind has his servants build a big brick wall and behind it, he plants potatoes in his secret garden. The peasants grow curious and then upset. They climb over the wall and steal all the food planted there. And that’s how potatoes became a staple of the French peasantry.
Malindaz: What does that mean?
Townsend: The forbidden is always desirable.