(narrating) My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less. Here's where I used to live.. a whole lot nicer, don't you think? The place hasn't changed much since I left.. as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect.. at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew.. to look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle.. does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here's the clown Bree replaced me with.. Orson. I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried.. and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends.. now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.


Tom: What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary.
Lynette: We can still have sex, just try not to wake me.

Nurse: Again, sorry for the mix up. If you could just sign right here.
Mike: (looking at the engagement ring that was in his things) I don't remember this. You sure that's mine?
Nurse: It was on you the night you were admitted.
Mike: I got hit by a car, I don't remember anything about that night.
Nurse: Well it looks like you were going to propose to someone. (reading the inscription on the ring) Susan, be mine forever, Mike. Does that ring a bell?
Mike: Sure does.

Mike: (referencing the night Monique was killed) What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?
Orson: What do you think they would say if they knew you threw me off a roof?

Mike: Was that proposal spontaneous or did you have it all planned?
Ian: Oh, it was entirely planned. I thought it would be the ideal occasion.
Mike: If it was planned why didn't you have a ring?
Ian: Well, I thought Susan might like to choose a ring herself.
Mike: So, why did she pick a ring that was too big for her?
Ian: How did you know that?
Tom: Guys, guys, guys, we came here to play cards, so why are we talking about jewelery?
Mike: Sorry Tom, but I just found out I bought a ring for Susan myself. It was in my pocket that night some son of a bitch ran me over.
Orson: Ahm, Tom's right, we should focus on the game.
Mike: After our talk I called the hospital. They said my ring got in with your wife's stuff. So you saw it before I did. The same day you proposed to Susan.
Ian: And your point is?
Mike: That that's why you were in such a big hurry. You wanted to seal the deal before I found out about the ring and told her.
Ian: Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Mike: Maybe you should be. What do you think Susan would say if she found out your proposal was so spontaneous?

(narrating) The first light of sunrise. The sound of the cat purring. The smell of fresh coffee. Yes, there are many things a housewife likes to wake up to. But an unexpected guest in her bed.. is not one of them.

Mary Alice

Oh Bree. I wish I could make you understand how deeply I regret having to do this. Monique, that was easy, she was a slut. You're a good woman. You didn't know Orson already had a wife, but he did and he made a vow to her before God. What sort of mother would I be if I let him break it? I'm sorry but I will not let him be his father's son.


Thank you. Thank you for coming. It means everything in the world to me. I gotta tell you, when I arrived here this afternoon, I saw all these weird chairs, I thought the evening was gonna be a total disaster. But now when I look out, I can't even see the chairs. I just see people eating, laughing and having a great time. It's absolutely perfect. And none of this would've happened without my amazing partner Lynette. Who, uh...To...I'm sorry. I'm a little...


Lynette: Okay, okay, we could point fingers, but what's important is forgetting about what we expected, and focusing on what we have, which isn't so bad. I mean, all the different kinds of chairs give the place a kind of bohemian vibe. Plus, if we get a lot of babies, look, we're just totally set. Tom, I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry. I just, I realize it's not perfect. But...please say something.
Tom: What can I say, Lynette? It is what it is.

Eat alot and come back. 'Cos our kids need braces.


(to Andrew) I liked you better when you were a psychopath!


Bree: So we're back to being friends?
Susan: We never really stopped.

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

(narrating) Orson Hodge had always assumed that the moment before he died, his entire life would flash before his eyes. But as he fell from the roof of the Fairview Memorial Hospital, it wasn't his life he saw. It was one night in particular (flashback to the night Monique Polier got killed). Yes, Orson Hodge had always assumed that his life would flash before his eyes the moment before he died. Luckily for Orson, that moment was not scheduled for today.

Mary Alice

(talking on the phone) Hey Gaby, It's Lynette. Got a little emergency here. Is it okay if we use your back yard? (pauses) Great, great. And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does. Hope you get this message soon.