(on Susan's answering machine) Hey Susan... um... I don't mean to bug you, but there's just so much I didn't get to say... um... I ju--... God, I'm lousy at goodbyes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me and, well I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike.

Mike

Cancel my lunch, I'm gonna be here for a while.

Therapist

Lynette: Well, it turns out our new babysitter is working out too well, feel up to another tour of duty?
Mrs. McCluskey: Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch looking after your kids?
Lynette: My kids know you're not a witch
Mrs. McCluskey: Too bad I could use the leverage

Julie: There are only two guys in this world who know all your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss them both away?
Susan: Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years (Julie gives her a look)twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more.

(To Susan, hiding behind the door) You want something bitchier, then do it yourself.

Julie

(about Gabrielle) Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine, 'cause I invented 'em!

Edie

So, if I'm just dating, and you're in love and getting married, remind me again why it is that you get to be the angry one?

Carlos

Russell catches Edie and Carlos in bed together.
Russell: Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else.
Edie: Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive, they're still disinfecting the Jacuzzi.
Russell: Slut!
Edie: Bitch!

(Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door)
Mike: (whispering) So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos: No, why?
Mike: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos: (laughing) Nah, that was just me.

Displaying quotes 46 - 54 of 350 in total