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Man: It's my car! She tripped me and grabbed my keys.
Police officer: Is this true, Ma'am?
Susan: Oh alright, take his side!

Susan: Lynette, what are you doing here?
Lynette: Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total whore, but please don't rat me out to Gaby.
Edie: (just as Susan is about to say something) Hi Susan! I have 30 copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.
Lynette: (looks at Susan and smiles) Looks like we're working the same corner.

Susan: Ian, I made my choice.
Ian: But not for the right reasons. You're just trying to honor a promise you made to me.
Susan: I will get over him.
Ian: You've been trying to get over him for as long as I've known you. Haven't had much luck, have you?
Susan: Ian, I love you.
Ian: I know you do, but you love him a little bit more, don't you?

So, if I'm just dating, and you're in love and getting married, remind me again why it is that you get to be the angry one?

Carlos

Susan: Look, Ian is going to come and invite you to dinner for Friday and you are not, I repeat, not going to accept.
Mike: Why is Ian inviting me to dinner?
Susan: He wants to thank you for saving us and he wants to show that he's not jealous of you. How's that for irony?
Mike: I didn't plan to kiss you but you didn't exacly resist.
Susan: I was in shock.
Mike: Why were you so upset when you mentioned Ian?
Susan: Because we just had a fight. About you.
Mike: Really? (smugly) Talk about me a lot?
Susan: Mike, I am marrying Ian. We have hired a caterer, we are going with the salmon so just back off.
(Mike sees Ian coming over to them)
Mike: Hey Ian.
Susan: Hi Ian. I just asked Mike, he can't make it.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sorry, I've got plans tonight.
Ian: Ah. But didn't we say Friday?
Mike: Friday? Oh, Friday I'm wide open.

Mike: What, he didn't tell you how we played poker for you?
Susan: You bet me in a game of poker?
Ian: It's not--not how it sounds. I merely suggested that--that if I won the hand, then he--he would stop badgering you.
Susan: And if he won?
Ian: Well, I--I forget the exact terms, but the point is, he lost, as I knew he would. I never would have wagered you if I didn't have a very good hand.
Susan: Get out!
Ian: Susan, please.
Mike: You heard her.
Susan: That goes for you, too. I've had it with both of you. You're tugging at me like I'm some kind of wishbone.
Ian: You're just upset.
Susan: No, I am beyond upset. You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide. There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!

Carlos: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again.
Carlos: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our..(Realizing what Edie just said) 12?

(Maggie is talking to Susan about wedding cakes)
Maggie: So, which one do you like the best?
(Instead of the cakes, Susan eyes Ian and Mike)
Susan: Wow. It's kinda hard to decide.
Maggie: Well, that depends on what you are looking for. Rich and elegant? Or down to earth and sweet?
Susan: I don't know.
Mike: You wanna taste them again?
Susan: No! I know what they taste like! I'm just torn, okay?
Ian: There's no reason to get upset. It's just a cake.
Susan: It's not just a cake! It's a major decision!
Maggie: Well, hey, if you like them both so much why don't you just have two cakes?
Susan:(speaking in a high pitch voice)
How would that look? Oh, hey, everybody! Here's my wedding cake! Oh, and what's that over there? That's my other wedding cake! I have to pick and I will! So just stop pressuring me okay?!

(Lights are out)
Susan: You know, I don't believe we need a flashlight, my eyes have totally adjusted for the dark.
(sound of glass breaking)
Ian: What was that?
Susan: Don't walk in the kitchen!

(Gabrielle and Victor are stuck in an elevator, Gabrielle starting to undress Victor)
Victor: Come on, cut it out, the power could come on at any moment.
Gabrielle: I know, that's what makes it so exciting, the risk.
Victor: But I, I'm kinda running for mayor here, remember?
Gabrielle: It's an elevator, silly, it has an emergency stop button... I don't.

(Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door)
Mike: (whispering) So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos: No, why?
Mike: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos: (laughing) Nah, that was just me.

Russell catches Edie and Carlos in bed together.
Russell: Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else.
Edie: Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive, they're still disinfecting the Jacuzzi.
Russell: Slut!
Edie: Bitch!

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 350 in total

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

Susan: Mike, you saved our lives. (Mike pulls Susan's cheese out of his back pocket) And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese!
Ian: Yes, yes, he's quite the hero.
Mike: (smirking) Good thing I was following ya.

Lynette: (to Andrew) Aren't you supposed to be working?Andrew: Aren't you supposed to not be here?Lynette: Touch.

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