Susan: (covering herself up while lying in Ian's bed) Who are you?
Rupert: I'm Rupert, I work for Mr Hainsworth. That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged.

(to Susan, clearing a drawer for her) If I can make a room for you in my heart, I can definitely make room for you in my bureau.


Lynette: I am snapping because there is a monster across the street and Barney Fife here is making me sound like 'the bad guy'.
(Lynette leaves the police office while Tom stays with the officer.)
Tom: Look I'm sorry. She's been under a lot of stress, hasn't slept well...
Lynette: (from outside the office) You better not be apologizing for me!

Orson: Mother, may I remind you you asked to come here?
Gloria: I didn't know I would be trading one jail for another. At least at the home you could smuggle things in but here nothing gets past the commandant. (looks at Bree)

Susan Mayer had never thought of herself as Cinderella, but then one day... a prince showed up, and Susan realized her life had become a fairy tale. And since her prince had welcomed her into his castle, she felt the least she could do was thank him...again...and again...and again. The next morning, however, Susan discovered castles...don't run themselves.

Mary Alice

We know dangerous men walk among us. What we can't be sure of is who they are or where they hide. So the most we can offer any stranger is reasonable doubt. But once the doubt is gone, people are anything but reasonable.

Mary Alice

You know, it just occurred to me, there's no point in paying the cable bill if you're not gonna have electricity. So I'm thinking pay the electricity upfront and...


(Gabrielle is showing the young girls how to do the walk for the pageant)
Gabrielle: All right, girls, first things first if you can't walk you can't win, (to Vern): Hit it Vern.
(Vern plays the music, Gabrielle starts a very sexy walk)
Gabrielle(to the girls): Remember, eyes forward shoulders back hips square, look left(turns head left) look right(turns head right) (to the front) whip and walk.
(turns around and walks back, the girls look at her with their jaws dropped)
Gabrielle: Yes, I'm unbelievable close your mouths. (The girls close their mouths)

(After, unbeknownst to Susan, Rupert sees her naked.)
Susan: Wow! Your timing's perfect.
Rupert: Not always.
Ian: Susan will be needing a drawer.
Rupert: A drawer, sir?
Ian: Yes, for her things. She's gonna be spending more time here.
Susan: Yeah, Rupe, I hope we can be good friends, cause you're gonna be seeing lots more of me.
Rupert: Oh, madam, that hardly seems possible.

Vern: You have been in rare bitch form. It's been months now, so don't blame it on your cycle.
Gabrielle: Don't call me a bitch, and stop tracking my cycle. I told you that freaks me out.

(looking in a mirror) I hate this dress. I look like something Ike Turner would hit.


Karl: You're dating some British guy named Ian.
Susan: How did that come up?
Austin: I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was a big secret.
Karl: When you said it was true love with you and the plumber I was a good guy, I stepped aside and now you're on to someone else.
Susan: Big picture Karl. (pointing at Austin) His hand up our daughter's shirt.
Karl: Don't change the subject.
Susan: That is the subject.

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

(narrating) Orson Hodge had always assumed that the moment before he died, his entire life would flash before his eyes. But as he fell from the roof of the Fairview Memorial Hospital, it wasn't his life he saw. It was one night in particular (flashback to the night Monique Polier got killed). Yes, Orson Hodge had always assumed that his life would flash before his eyes the moment before he died. Luckily for Orson, that moment was not scheduled for today.

Mary Alice

(talking on the phone) Hey Gaby, It's Lynette. Got a little emergency here. Is it okay if we use your back yard? (pauses) Great, great. And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does. Hope you get this message soon.