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Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous people she sees on the nightly news, which is why she buys expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can go about her day feeling safe and protected. Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with everyday, which is why he takes ordinary items and turns into weapons that he always keeps handy so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected. What is the difference between the housewife and the inmate? The inmate knows the feeling won't last long.

Mary Alice

Susan: (tense) Why were you two talking about condoms?
Julie: Why were you eavesdropping?
Susan: Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought I raised you to be smarter than that. (more tense): Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous!! Every time you turn around there's a new disease! Do you want it to burn when you pee?
Julie: Mom.
Susan: Sex kills!
Julie: MOM!!!
Susan: WHAT?!!
Julie: I'm not having sex.
Susan: Really?
Julie: Really.
Susan: (Relieved) Oh, thank god.
(They hug)
Susan: If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?

(narrating) It's a dangerous world. So we all look for protection, and whether we find it in the arms of our mother, or at the end of a jagged blade, in the kiss of our sweetheart, or at the end of a barrel, we do what we have to to feel safe, because we know that somewhere in the world there are those that will do us harm.

Mary Alice

Lynette: (Pinches her blouse after seeing Harry starring at her chest) Harry, Harry, what'd I say?
Harry: I know, I don't mean to be rude. It's just that my showgirl days were a while ago and I can't remember when I last laid eyes on a beautiful woman's (pause) bosom.
Lynette: Really? Well, what if I were to very briefly refresh your memory? (Firmly places waiver on table for him to sign.)
Cut to next scene where Lynette is buttoning her blouse.
Harry: Completely worth it! (Hands her signed waiver.)
Lynette: Glad you thought so.

(Julie and Austin are talking about having sex, Susan walks in and they stop)
Susan: Hi!
Austin: Hi.
(Awkward silence)
Susan: Bye!
Austin & Julie: (Smiling) Bye.

Susan: Don't you walk away from me!
Edie: Do we have to do this now?
Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!
Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.
Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)
Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.
Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!
Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.
(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)
Edie: Ahem!
(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)

Susan: (on the phone about the pills) So I'm just curious, where do you get off prescribing that without my consent? What? No I most certainly was not there What do I look like? I don't have blonde hair.
Looks from the window and sees blonde Edie.
Susan: Wait, did my blonde hair have dark roots?

Edie: I think Wisteria Lane is the place for you.
Alma: Good. More than anything I just wanna fit in.
Mary Alice: (narrating) Oh you will, Alma. You absolutely will.

Well, gotta hand it to her. Just when you think Bree's thrown every conceivable theme party she hosts a Shame on you for thinking my husband killed someone dinner.

Lynette

(to Gabrielle) What's to explain? A pretty girl gets flowers do you know many girls never get flowers. I work in a flower shop, I've never got any freaking flowers, so stop your whining about who sent them and just be glad he did.

Florist

(to Gabrielle) Gabby if I was gonna send you flowers I wouldn't send pink roses, I'd send you white orchids, because I know they're your favorite, and if I wanted to cheer you up sunflowers, and for the flu, blue irises.

Carlos

Bree: Now that we're all assembled I'd like to introduce the guest of honor. I hope you'll all be as delighted to meet her as I was. You can come in now.
(Alma enters.)
Bree: Everyone, this is Alma Hodge, Orson's first wife.
(The ladies stare at Bree, then at Alma.)
Bree: (to Susan) Oh, about that apology, anytime you're ready.

Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 350 in total

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

Susan: Mike, you saved our lives. (Mike pulls Susan's cheese out of his back pocket) And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese!
Ian: Yes, yes, he's quite the hero.
Mike: (smirking) Good thing I was following ya.

I hadn't really thought a lot about this moment, but when I did... the table we were at didn't have a blood gutter.

Susan
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